Unsteady Faith Saved by Grace
So there he was, and there was I well pieces of me anyway, scattered on the devil's playground like a thousand wood chips under a swing. My heart divided, torn, on the edge, and my mind replaying the enemy's lies over and over again. "You're a waste of a woman to not use your body, you'll be single forever and no man will wait for you. How pathetic of you to wear a purity ring and actually believe in such a stupid thing."
I was confused on whether I was the problem and to blame, or if this was a trap from the enemy, using his evil schemes and catching a thrill by pulling my strings. From being weighed down by the expectations of the entertainment business as an NFL cheerleader and hearing society scream, "Remember sex sells, you're nothing but an object to be used just like a thing." To men coming up to me saying, "Seriously...you think I'd date you when it's sex that you refuse to bring.” Here I am, on my knee's, shaking, crying out, battling a decision...Do I stay true and walk away alone tonight believing in the words of Jesus Christ the King, or do I sell my soul to fit in with the crowd by being held and "loved" through a drunken night- just to wake up burned by the shameful and regretful morning sun-making it's marked with a stab and a sting?
How did I get here, what happened to always "staying true," why am I thinking about compromising my morals, and when did this thing between me and the enemy start with a burning flame but now a real-life tempting fling?
The bars and clubs were where I met this man, so tall and handsome, his lips and voice were like dripping honey and he would use it persuade and sing. We would dance the night away and he would whisper lyrics into my ear hoping that soon, I would become weak and not only take off the clothes I wear but also to never again wear my purity ring.
I prayed, "God, if you are there, why is my faith in you running thin, where is your strength during my weakness, why is my mind playing tricks on me, since when did the cross around my neck lose value and turn into just a piece of jewelry I wear for bling, and how come these days I idol something over you...which is to be accepted and loved by a man more than anything. "I cried out, "For 26 years, I've worn and believed in your words on my True Love Waits ring and I've done what you've asked of me, but yet, you leave me to be overlooked, left out and mocked. God! Don't you remember when my secret hiding place wasn't in the darkness of this fake mask I wear, but in-fact, under the shadow of your all-powerful wing?!"
My heart divided, torn, on the edge, and my mind replaying the enemy's lies over and over again. At this moment, with tear-filled eyes, insecurities rising and feeling the pressure of slipping off my purity ring... I was fading and face to face with a decision...to keep trusting in God and His promises or to turn my back on the word, conform into the patterns of this world, and have the enemy be to whom I cling. At this moment, with tear-filled eyes, mercy and grace rising...I was face to face with the glory of the Alpha, the Omega, the first and the last, the beginning and the end, the Almighty God and He was molding me, guiding me back to His truth with such care and love even though all I had was a "Father, please forgive me for doubting you" to bring.
My heart no longer divided, nor torn, nor on the edge, this was when my mind found peace while replaying the Lord's truth over and over again.
"My special girl, you are not a waste. I never intended you to conform to this world's patterns and fashions. It is not about what you look like on the outside, but more so of who you are at your very core. You are far above rubies, hand-selected, treasured, and a bright light. A proverbs 31 woman is who I created you to be. Now share this light within you and like the wings of angels let your voice be courageous, let your voice be heavenly and never have any doubt to soar above this spiritual war."
The spirit continued, "How beautiful and strong of you to believe in a marriage of ministry and purpose. Don't give up on me, for I will never give up on you nor leave or forsake you. You are not pathetic to believe, in-fact, you are different and set apart to realize sex is meant to be more than just a common everyday thing."
Once fully seeking attention and fame, I tried serving two masters by having God in my heart, while flirting with the world and adding flames towards the enemy as if he was a hot summer fling...and trust me, believing and seeking validation through the world's empty promises left scars and I'm still reminded of its painful sting. Here I am, taking off this mask of a false perception, definitely less impressive...but this is me, and I'm not apologizing. Now, no longer trapped behind the enemy's deception, manipulation or intimidation, I vowed to be mindful of things above and with my whole heart sing and cling to the one and only true thing.
You, yes you, the beautifully broken, vulnerable, soft, yet strong amazing woman reading this... You ARE a protected purpose! Your heart and body are to be loved unconditionally and cherished. You are not your mistakes, you are not your past, and you are not what has been done to you.
Our worldly watch may say "single," but our unwavering walk says "purpose." Our walk as a single woman is more important than dating just to fill a void. Hear me loud and clear on this one... part of wisdom is knowing where you are weak so you don't have to be so strong. In our weakness, God is strong, YES AND AMEN, but that doesn't mean you keep going to that weakness, adding flames to it, and expect to not get burned.
Walking in purity is more than just abstaining from the physical. It's about the renewing in every part of you. Walking in purity doesn't give us first line dibs or puts us on the top of God's list for getting us the perfect husband. It also doesn't make God owe us anything. For this is just the Lord's way and the best way as protection over our mind, heart, and soul. God searches our heart; He knows the real reasons why we wait.
It's not easy, but it will be worth it. YOU are worth it.
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I love you all.